Wednesday, August 13, 2008
SAP
Michael Phelps, will you marry me? I will adore the scent of chlorine as if it was the sweetest-smelling cologne. I will cheer you on as you beat your world records again and again. I will wake up at 4 to drive you to the nearest pool for your practice laps. Stacey Ann Phelps has a nice ring to it, donthca think?
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Scene:Interior My living room in early afternoon
Stacey sits on her beanbag having an animated conversation with her mother about a friend.
Mom: Is this the friend whose boyfriend pushed her into a wall?
Stacey: No, Mom. That was on TV last night.
Oh.
End scene
Mom: Is this the friend whose boyfriend pushed her into a wall?
Stacey: No, Mom. That was on TV last night.
Oh.
End scene
Soul-Sucking Fiends...
There has been a series of books climbing the charts in popularity over the past year or so. It is currently being made into a feature film starring one of the ugliest teenagers in The Biz. It's been hyped, adored, fought over, and even had a "Goth Prom" event for it's latest installment at our local Barnes and Noble. It is the vampiric-romance known as the Twilight series.
After seeing every single teenage girl at the junior high reading these massive books and hearing the buzz from my very trustworthy literati friends, I thought this series was a must.
I read the first three 900+ page books over Spring Break and found myself getting completely involved in the story of Bella and her beloved vampire Edward (who reminds me of my very own anti-social, pale, genius).
I thought Twilight was a fun read, if not a bit unpredictable. In the second book, New Moon I was aggravated that Edward was barely in 50 pages of the book and annoyed by his replacement: an angsty teenage boy-wolf. By the third, Eclipse, I was just about done with any of the frothy entertainment I found in the first. But then again, maybe I had been trapped with the characters too long... Maybe I was feeling like Twilight was a house guest that overstayed his or her welcome. I just needed a break and I'd be ready to burn through the final installment.
Then, Spring Break ended and I headed back to school. My students found out I had read the books and they all wanted to talk about the story with me. I heard girls gushing about how hot the fictitious Edward is, how strong Bella is for loving Edward no matter what, and I even heard some of my male students whisper confessions on how they enjoyed the series as well. The more I talked with my students, the more concerned I became. Was this story of obsession really a good read for my already histrionic students? Is Bella, a girl so consumed by "love" really a character for young girls to look up to? As I thought about this, I became more angry at this Young Adult series for the messages it is sending to our adolescents out there.
Here is my final conclusion: teenagers do not need to read a book that promotes a young woman giving up her identity, her friends, her family, her very soul and even her own LIFE in order to be with a man, nae - a vampire - hundreds of years her senior. It's hard enough to try to guide young people to keep their heads when falling in and out of "relationships" at their age. My job becomes that much harder when they've got over 3,600 pages encouraging, condoning and glamorizing the unhealthy, obsessive, dependent aspects of "love."
Where's Jane Austen when I need her???
And here's the actor they chose to play the tormented, brilliant, romantic, HAIRLESS Edward:
Um.... Where's my blonde Grecian-statue-like man? With a beautiful white, hairless body and chiseled features? This is not the Edward of my fantasies. This will not redeem the book and make me swallow my words. This is just... ew.
After seeing every single teenage girl at the junior high reading these massive books and hearing the buzz from my very trustworthy literati friends, I thought this series was a must.
I read the first three 900+ page books over Spring Break and found myself getting completely involved in the story of Bella and her beloved vampire Edward (who reminds me of my very own anti-social, pale, genius).
I thought Twilight was a fun read, if not a bit unpredictable. In the second book, New Moon I was aggravated that Edward was barely in 50 pages of the book and annoyed by his replacement: an angsty teenage boy-wolf. By the third, Eclipse, I was just about done with any of the frothy entertainment I found in the first. But then again, maybe I had been trapped with the characters too long... Maybe I was feeling like Twilight was a house guest that overstayed his or her welcome. I just needed a break and I'd be ready to burn through the final installment.
Then, Spring Break ended and I headed back to school. My students found out I had read the books and they all wanted to talk about the story with me. I heard girls gushing about how hot the fictitious Edward is, how strong Bella is for loving Edward no matter what, and I even heard some of my male students whisper confessions on how they enjoyed the series as well. The more I talked with my students, the more concerned I became. Was this story of obsession really a good read for my already histrionic students? Is Bella, a girl so consumed by "love" really a character for young girls to look up to? As I thought about this, I became more angry at this Young Adult series for the messages it is sending to our adolescents out there.
Here is my final conclusion: teenagers do not need to read a book that promotes a young woman giving up her identity, her friends, her family, her very soul and even her own LIFE in order to be with a man, nae - a vampire - hundreds of years her senior. It's hard enough to try to guide young people to keep their heads when falling in and out of "relationships" at their age. My job becomes that much harder when they've got over 3,600 pages encouraging, condoning and glamorizing the unhealthy, obsessive, dependent aspects of "love."
Where's Jane Austen when I need her???
And here's the actor they chose to play the tormented, brilliant, romantic, HAIRLESS Edward:
Um.... Where's my blonde Grecian-statue-like man? With a beautiful white, hairless body and chiseled features? This is not the Edward of my fantasies. This will not redeem the book and make me swallow my words. This is just... ew.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Love Song to Jasper Fforde...
I love all things Welsh! I read a book about Wales when I was 11 or 12 and became slightly obsessed. I dreamed about moving to Wales, teaching at a small village school, and owning lots of sheep. Like Little Bo Peep. If she were a teacher.
So my obsession merely increased when I stumbled upon a Welsh author by the name of Japser Fforde. I found a book called The Eyre Affair about a "literary detective" who has to save the world by traveling through Jane Eyre. I loved the literary allusions and the fantasy of traveling into different books. (Ah, if only I could jump into Little Women and run away with Theodore Lawrence. I hope he looks like Christian Bale!!!)
I was so surprised to find a witty, intelligent, uproariously fun story with a plucky heroine and a cloned Dodo as a sidekick (Well... Pickwick isn't exactly a sidekick...) It had been a long time since I had laughed out loud while reading a book. The Eyre Affair was a delightful journey that I didn't want to end! And it hasn't! Fforde has written 5 more stories in the Thursday Next series. Each new book I pick up hoping that it will be as good as the last, and each time I find myself pleasantly surprised at the quality of each new installment.
The Thursday Next series is a perfect little comic series. Stories that I have enjoyed immensely and could read over and over again. I thought that nothing could top my love for Thursday Next and the Literary Detectives. That was it; Literary-Comic-Fantasy had reached its pinnacle, Fforde must have used all his creative genius to come up with his innovations in The Eyre Affair world...
... Then one day I was taken by surprise when I found The Big Over Easy by Jasper Fforde on a bookshelf at Powell's. WHAT?! Nursery Crimes? A new Jasper Fforde series?! What is this?! I was skeptical although the story of the murder investigation of Humpty Dumpty (No, he didn't just fall off the wall) did seem amusing.
I never should have doubted Jasper... Sorry, Mr. Fforde... Jack Spratt and Mary Mary, along with a blue alien that speaks in binary and bathes in Windex, are detectives that investigate all the misdeeds that take place in the world of nursery crimes. I found this just as hilarious and entertaining as the Thursday Next series. Although I do long for my dear Thursday!
Fforde has extravagant plot lines, smart literary references, crazy-funny in-jokes, endearing characters, and complex settings. His stories are all I could ask for!! While his fantastical tales might not be everyone's cup of tea, I will be waiting with bated breath for the next installment!
Post Script ~ "World's oddest theme park: Contenders abound in this field, and several deserve mention. ElephantLand in impoverished East Splotvia is odd in that it has no elephants, nor a clear idea of what one is. GummoWorld in upstate New York is devoted to the Marx brother who had the distinction of never appearing in a movie, and Nevada's ParkThemeLandWorld is a theme park dedicated to other theme parks, but has no attractions of its own. SommeWorld in the UK invites its visitors to taste the marrow-chilling fear of being an infantryman in the Great War, and, by contrast, ZenWorld in Thailand is nothing but a very large empty space in which to relax. Our favorite, however, is La Haye's DescarteLand, which merely furnishes ticket holders with a paper bag to put over their heads and a note reading, 'If you think it, it shall be so.' -- The Bumper Book of Berkshire Records, 2004 edition" ~ p. 352, The Fourth Bear by Jasper Fforde
So my obsession merely increased when I stumbled upon a Welsh author by the name of Japser Fforde. I found a book called The Eyre Affair about a "literary detective" who has to save the world by traveling through Jane Eyre. I loved the literary allusions and the fantasy of traveling into different books. (Ah, if only I could jump into Little Women and run away with Theodore Lawrence. I hope he looks like Christian Bale!!!)
I was so surprised to find a witty, intelligent, uproariously fun story with a plucky heroine and a cloned Dodo as a sidekick (Well... Pickwick isn't exactly a sidekick...) It had been a long time since I had laughed out loud while reading a book. The Eyre Affair was a delightful journey that I didn't want to end! And it hasn't! Fforde has written 5 more stories in the Thursday Next series. Each new book I pick up hoping that it will be as good as the last, and each time I find myself pleasantly surprised at the quality of each new installment.
The Thursday Next series is a perfect little comic series. Stories that I have enjoyed immensely and could read over and over again. I thought that nothing could top my love for Thursday Next and the Literary Detectives. That was it; Literary-Comic-Fantasy had reached its pinnacle, Fforde must have used all his creative genius to come up with his innovations in The Eyre Affair world...
... Then one day I was taken by surprise when I found The Big Over Easy by Jasper Fforde on a bookshelf at Powell's. WHAT?! Nursery Crimes? A new Jasper Fforde series?! What is this?! I was skeptical although the story of the murder investigation of Humpty Dumpty (No, he didn't just fall off the wall) did seem amusing.
I never should have doubted Jasper... Sorry, Mr. Fforde... Jack Spratt and Mary Mary, along with a blue alien that speaks in binary and bathes in Windex, are detectives that investigate all the misdeeds that take place in the world of nursery crimes. I found this just as hilarious and entertaining as the Thursday Next series. Although I do long for my dear Thursday!
Fforde has extravagant plot lines, smart literary references, crazy-funny in-jokes, endearing characters, and complex settings. His stories are all I could ask for!! While his fantastical tales might not be everyone's cup of tea, I will be waiting with bated breath for the next installment!
Post Script ~ "World's oddest theme park: Contenders abound in this field, and several deserve mention. ElephantLand in impoverished East Splotvia is odd in that it has no elephants, nor a clear idea of what one is. GummoWorld in upstate New York is devoted to the Marx brother who had the distinction of never appearing in a movie, and Nevada's ParkThemeLandWorld is a theme park dedicated to other theme parks, but has no attractions of its own. SommeWorld in the UK invites its visitors to taste the marrow-chilling fear of being an infantryman in the Great War, and, by contrast, ZenWorld in Thailand is nothing but a very large empty space in which to relax. Our favorite, however, is La Haye's DescarteLand, which merely furnishes ticket holders with a paper bag to put over their heads and a note reading, 'If you think it, it shall be so.' -- The Bumper Book of Berkshire Records, 2004 edition" ~ p. 352, The Fourth Bear by Jasper Fforde
Whew!
Okay... For those of you who I didn't scare away with my blast of Brett Favre... Thank you for sticking with me. Now, here is a cute picture from my Vegas trip:
And that's pretty much how I felt the day after returning. Blurry and all.
I went to Vegas because many of my friends from work were going and I am always up for visiting someplace new. I had no idea I would have so much fun!!
Highlights:
- Being with my girlfriends and being a party to hilarity. This included various vulgarity including descriptions of sexual encounters that I NEVER needed to know, names for body parts, details of personal grooming - although I missed the demonstration, and the heart-to-heart, spill-the-soul conversations that will have us bonded for life! We'll always remember dear Joshua, our waiter that blushed every time he left our table. And Tom, for reasons I'll never tell!
- Winning $60 on the Goldfish machine. Actually, the Goldfish (which I couldn't find for the longest time because Adonica called it "Go Fish") was a highlight all in itself. Watching Adonica chant "Fish food! Fish food!" and Angennette squeak over bonuses was too much fun!
- Nicki braving the Roulette tables and the "spinny wheel" with me. Bless her heart, I never would have figured it out without her. I wish I would have tried my hand at craps... but I got stage fright.
- The MGM pool. I loooooooooove the lazy river! I scraped up my knees, got burnt, and met and lost the love of my life (I'm sure of it) within the confines of the manufactured current.
- The Hotels. It's like a Disneyland for grown-ups! I love the themed casinos. New York, New York for Nine Fine Irishmen and its Oxygen Bar (next time I'm TOTALLY going on the Rollercoaster. Although Nicki should sit it out so we don't catch her jinx!), Paris and the Venetian for being sooo beautiful, Excalibur because it's a castle and I looove castles, and so on. Next time I MUST go to The Luxor.
- Watching Nicki dance. Seriously. That girl is talented.
- Tripping over suitcases and making fabulous first impressions. Stupid luggage. Stupid bruises. I came home and my mom thinks I've been beaten and battered while on vacation. Yeah... by big bags on rollers. They're vicious. (Thanks for holding me up the rest of the night, Nicki-Love!)
- The Shows. Tournament of Kings was great fun! We were in Russia and we had the hot, bad-boy knight. It was an excellent show full of loud noises, explosions, cute boys, gymnasts, and live horses!! Legends. I had to go see the impersonators in Vegas! It sounded like a hoot and one of those experiences I needed to have. But really, there was some serious talent among the singers on that stage. And also some cute boys... hmmm... I'm sensing a theme here. Talent scouts in Vegas have an excellent eye for... talent. Crazy Horse sure, it couldn't compare to Dante's - the show, not the classroom - but Micro Jackson was the strangest, funniest, most bizarre thing I have ever, ever, ever seen. I wish I could describe Micro Jackson to you, but I have tried before and failed. There's simply no words. Just awesome freakishness. And my very favorite sight: The Secret Garden at The Mirage I could have spent all day there, but "increment weather" kicked us out after an hour or so. Baby tigers and a baby dolphin were so much fun to watch. My voice goes up into decimals only heard by dogs when I describe the absolute adorableness of these creatures. It was such a great day.
- The storm. Increment weather indeed! Out of nowhere a huge lightening and thunder storm came and drenched Nicki and I as we tried to make our way to the monorail. True Oregonians, we avoided puddles and held our heads high as we braved the storm. Of course, once we got on the monorail and it started going the WRONG WAY we freaked out and decided we'd walk or take a cab.
- The Path. The fondest memory I have is psychoanalyzing 11 coworkers in a guided visualization during dinner. They were so funny and endearing. Angennette... you keep screaming and beating that stick!! You'll intimidate that bear, I promise!
That's really all I'm at liberty to discuss! It was a great trip and I can't wait to go again. Now I'm looking forward to visiting Utah and seeing some of my favorite people in the whole wide world!!!
Addendum: Another highlight that I was just reminded of... Getting tangled in my shirt and being rescued by Nicki (who was waiting her delivery of appetizers from Hard Rock). Having her end up on my doorstep was inspired because I was in a state of stuck-ness that was getting far worse before it was getting any better. Dang quick changes! But I couldn't go to Crazy Horse in a pink tank top and Heidi braids!!
And that's pretty much how I felt the day after returning. Blurry and all.
I went to Vegas because many of my friends from work were going and I am always up for visiting someplace new. I had no idea I would have so much fun!!
Highlights:
- Being with my girlfriends and being a party to hilarity. This included various vulgarity including descriptions of sexual encounters that I NEVER needed to know, names for body parts, details of personal grooming - although I missed the demonstration, and the heart-to-heart, spill-the-soul conversations that will have us bonded for life! We'll always remember dear Joshua, our waiter that blushed every time he left our table. And Tom, for reasons I'll never tell!
- Winning $60 on the Goldfish machine. Actually, the Goldfish (which I couldn't find for the longest time because Adonica called it "Go Fish") was a highlight all in itself. Watching Adonica chant "Fish food! Fish food!" and Angennette squeak over bonuses was too much fun!
- Nicki braving the Roulette tables and the "spinny wheel" with me. Bless her heart, I never would have figured it out without her. I wish I would have tried my hand at craps... but I got stage fright.
- The MGM pool. I loooooooooove the lazy river! I scraped up my knees, got burnt, and met and lost the love of my life (I'm sure of it) within the confines of the manufactured current.
- The Hotels. It's like a Disneyland for grown-ups! I love the themed casinos. New York, New York for Nine Fine Irishmen and its Oxygen Bar (next time I'm TOTALLY going on the Rollercoaster. Although Nicki should sit it out so we don't catch her jinx!), Paris and the Venetian for being sooo beautiful, Excalibur because it's a castle and I looove castles, and so on. Next time I MUST go to The Luxor.
- Watching Nicki dance. Seriously. That girl is talented.
- Tripping over suitcases and making fabulous first impressions. Stupid luggage. Stupid bruises. I came home and my mom thinks I've been beaten and battered while on vacation. Yeah... by big bags on rollers. They're vicious. (Thanks for holding me up the rest of the night, Nicki-Love!)
- The Shows. Tournament of Kings was great fun! We were in Russia and we had the hot, bad-boy knight. It was an excellent show full of loud noises, explosions, cute boys, gymnasts, and live horses!! Legends. I had to go see the impersonators in Vegas! It sounded like a hoot and one of those experiences I needed to have. But really, there was some serious talent among the singers on that stage. And also some cute boys... hmmm... I'm sensing a theme here. Talent scouts in Vegas have an excellent eye for... talent. Crazy Horse sure, it couldn't compare to Dante's - the show, not the classroom - but Micro Jackson was the strangest, funniest, most bizarre thing I have ever, ever, ever seen. I wish I could describe Micro Jackson to you, but I have tried before and failed. There's simply no words. Just awesome freakishness. And my very favorite sight: The Secret Garden at The Mirage I could have spent all day there, but "increment weather" kicked us out after an hour or so. Baby tigers and a baby dolphin were so much fun to watch. My voice goes up into decimals only heard by dogs when I describe the absolute adorableness of these creatures. It was such a great day.
- The storm. Increment weather indeed! Out of nowhere a huge lightening and thunder storm came and drenched Nicki and I as we tried to make our way to the monorail. True Oregonians, we avoided puddles and held our heads high as we braved the storm. Of course, once we got on the monorail and it started going the WRONG WAY we freaked out and decided we'd walk or take a cab.
- The Path. The fondest memory I have is psychoanalyzing 11 coworkers in a guided visualization during dinner. They were so funny and endearing. Angennette... you keep screaming and beating that stick!! You'll intimidate that bear, I promise!
That's really all I'm at liberty to discuss! It was a great trip and I can't wait to go again. Now I'm looking forward to visiting Utah and seeing some of my favorite people in the whole wide world!!!
Addendum: Another highlight that I was just reminded of... Getting tangled in my shirt and being rescued by Nicki (who was waiting her delivery of appetizers from Hard Rock). Having her end up on my doorstep was inspired because I was in a state of stuck-ness that was getting far worse before it was getting any better. Dang quick changes! But I couldn't go to Crazy Horse in a pink tank top and Heidi braids!!
GO AWAY BRETT!!
Don't you realize that Aaron Rodgers is so much cuter than you ever were? AND he never played on There's Something About Mary.
There's just something sad and pathetic about a man not willing to acknowledge that he needs to move on. It's like living a comb-over. You're bald (old), shiny (washed-up), and a vain attempt to appear put-together. Just shave your head (go away) and invest in baseball caps (sportscasting worked for Tiki, kinda) and leave the game to young, virile men who everyone isn't sick of.
I'm just really happy that he didn't take Garcia's place on Tampa Bay. I've loved Jeff since he saved the Eagles season when McNabb got McWhiney.
There's just something sad and pathetic about a man not willing to acknowledge that he needs to move on. It's like living a comb-over. You're bald (old), shiny (washed-up), and a vain attempt to appear put-together. Just shave your head (go away) and invest in baseball caps (sportscasting worked for Tiki, kinda) and leave the game to young, virile men who everyone isn't sick of.
I'm just really happy that he didn't take Garcia's place on Tampa Bay. I've loved Jeff since he saved the Eagles season when McNabb got McWhiney.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
