Not sleeping causes melancholy

So... No one could possibly read this anymore since it has been 9 months since I have posted anything. 9 months since I have gone into hiding. 9 months since my life became hell because I allowed it to. As I look back on a lot of things I think "why the hell did I do that?" Why did I isolate myself from people I loved and kept myself from meeting new people to love because I was so preoccupied by a serious, yet not life threatening, situation? Yeah, it sucked and I was pretty miserable, but I chose to let that take over EVERYTHING. Misery is a choice. And now it's like I'm waking up and realizing I lost 9 months of my life.
Uh, by the way, I wasn't pregnant or anything.
I think I'm suffering from sleep deprivation.
I was at the ocean and I'd truly love to live at the coast, although when I had the chance to take a job in Astoria I turned it down because I thought I couldn't live that far away from everything else. I think that was a mistake. Although, then again, I sat at the oceanside every morning while I was at the coast and I thought about life and everything. It was a little too heavy for daily thoughts. I don't think I could handle that sort of philosophical, self-analytical stuff daily.
But I did realize a few things... First of all, I choose not to be miserable anymore.
Second, I would really like to recapture some of my awesome friendships I have lost and see if I could make new awesome friendships if it isn't too late for some people that I've misplaced.
And finally, third, I will always miss Justin. Justin was my very best friend. Then we weren't friends anymore. Then he jumped off a building and died. When something beautiful or glorious happens, I think to myself "I wish Justin were here." And it makes me sad because he would have liked being at the ocean this week. He would have liked waking up early and sitting and talking about all this with me. He would have liked to give me a hug and touch my hair and have me scratch his back and read him chapters from my book. And he would have been happy. And so would I. It's a really heartbreaking feeling to know it won't ever happen. And I'll have that feeling forever. But it's okay. I think it's okay for me to be sad and it's okay for me to be happy and it's okay for me to live without Justin. And I really haven't thought that since he died.
Since You Died by Dismemberment Plan is a really good song. Just so you know.
I also miss my cousin Justin. I don't really know what to do to mend the broken ties. And maybe I can't. But I'll watch a movie we saw together, or see a heart-shaped cookie, or listen to a band I know he loves and I will really, really miss him. But, again, I don't know where to start. I looked for his e-mail address on his blogs, but I couldn't find it. I don't know what I'd say. It's just kinda weird to have someone that was super close, like a brother, like a part of me, and then it's not that way anymore. And I see him and he's a stranger. And he has a wife that I think I'd really like but I don't know her. And it's another "why the hell is this happening" moment.
So. That's it for now. This is way too honest for me and I don't typically like to be that honest. But again, I think no one will read it so maybe I'm safe. Or maybe I should have written it down privately in a journal.